Friday, 15 November 2013 @ 01:12 

Reading through your old writings, sees a post that says you're gonna laugh rereading this one day and when that day finally comes, you do laugh but you're also crying inside.

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Monday, 8 July 2013 @ 15:22 


Everything takes patience now. Got my first wage. Still. I ain't buyin anything yet. Coz I havta use it for food. Feels like bringin food from home instead. But always tempted to buy takeouts. But yeah.. hopin that this time I won't have problems with salaries and holidays anymore. Hope that I will get my next pay on time and stuff. Hope that things go well. If so I'd buy it now... I won't have anything much left. So, yeah. Patience. Be patient is not easy. But I need to suck all the patience in and refrain from buyin the things I want.

Food is essential too.

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Monday, 3 June 2013 @ 21:55 




I have never been so alive.
Now. I want to end it.







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Thursday, 30 May 2013 @ 01:27 


           When we were born, we were an incomplete puzzle. Love and whatnot filled us up with a few pieces but throughout the years of growing up, a rascal, maybe two or three, took some of those pieces out of us. And we would continuously try to fill each vacant spaces with new ones but people would continuously rule them out. But we never give up to fill those empty spaces until at one point in our lives, we found someone that we thought would finally make our puzzles complete, but being more powerful than those rascals, this particular one ravaged the puzzle, scratching each and everything, tearing us into bits, threw us, smashed us with no slight mercy and left us lied by our own thoughts and feelings. And just like before, we would fix the puzzle again and again and again but, we stayed like that forever, forever an incomplete puzzle...

till the moment of our passing
till the last of our breath.





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Thursday, 16 May 2013 @ 01:35 










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Tuesday, 12 March 2013 @ 02:38 


camne nak jadi gorgeous camni haa?



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Wednesday, 27 February 2013 @ 01:50 



not my everyday song but this fits the current situation.
*sigh
be prepared to be a fool again

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Friday, 1 February 2013 @ 13:14 


“Sometimes we have to let it go, honey,” said Mummy.

“I don’t think I can,” said Cloud.
. . . . .

               November Air were dancing with glee. Sunlight beamed its light onto them. They all look blissful with their partners. Laughter was ripe among them. Then, they stopped. Another dance would be performed. Their toes ready, fingers settled in position. Soon, the Winter ballet started. November Air continued dancing on branches of pine trees, bare oak trees, and the trees, too, swayed from left to right, pleasuring grief and loneliness of the sharp air.

Autumn was about to end.

Sunlight went dim. In an instant, everything turned darker. The music of Autumn slowed down. A hush was heard. November air waned into nothingness. December Wind took charge. And every cloud in the kingdom gathered.

                White flakes slowly fell onto rivers and lakes, friends with gills swam deeper towards warmth, soon, the water stood still in tranquility.

Every crisp from every leaves frozen beneath layers of coldness, furry friends lullaby their little ones, humming soft notes to soothe their beating hearts, to calm their minds, while the others waited for sweet dreams to visit them.

                Cloud was staring at the life under him hid themselves from the snow. He watched the colour of Earth turned pale. Sighed upon the sad state of Earth, he refused to give out snow despite his mother’s urges.

                “I’m worried that my friends will get sick,” Cloud said, denying his ego.

                “Why, they are all cocooned in their shelters, warm enough to catch a cold,” Mummy reassured him.

                “Come on, chap! You’ve whined about this all November already! Look at Stratus, ready and all. Why can’t you be him, eh?” Cumulus teased him.

               Stratus was staring at his own reflection on the big lakes. He was admiring on how much he had grown darker, bigger, and tougher than his two brothers. Not even the charming giggles of Cirruses could take his eyes off of himself.

                In seconds, snow had covered Earth. December wind had sprinkled crystals of snowflakes everywhere, decorating Earth as they wish. The whiteness blinded Clouds eyes. He turned his eyes off the surface and saw little by little, his brothers began to fade away. Mummy was out of sight. He panicked a little. Stratus became smaller and smaller. He watched his arms became shorter as Stratus threw flakes upon flakes onto Earth. Later, he vanished. Cloud looked for Cumulus. Then, he found him to be darker and showering Earth with freezing droplets.

                “Cumulus! Stop! Stop pouring water! You’ll die! Stop!” shouted Cloud.

                “Aww… I know that. We all know that,” responded Cumulus calmly with a smile.

                “Then, why are you doing this?”

                “Sometimes, that’s how loving works. Aren't we to give and…”

                “Disappear? And not even a credit granted?”

                “We give to give. We do not ask to be given in return.” Then, the rain stopped.

 There was not a single cloud left except for Cloud. He looked for other surviving clouds. Nowhere. Nobody. Soon, his anger grew.

We give to give. We do not ask to be given in return. The words chanted in his head, repeating itself one after the other.

“Sometimes, we have to let it go, honey.”

“To let what go, Mummy? Raindrops? Snowflakes? Which one?”

“Love.”

Cloud hugged himself tightly, cradling himself from left to right refuses to sacrifice his existence for Earth. However, what’s left for him now? With no one around, isn’t solitude is just the same as loneliness? And isn’t loneliness is no different than disappearing? Unnoticed, his tears began to form drizzles that were then collected by the wind. Some fell onto a robin with its right wing stuck under a layer of thin ice. The water droplets melted the ice off the robin and later it flew back to its nest happily. Cloud stopped crying. He felt grateful for the robin. At least it didn’t die in this cold weather. He moved onto a grain field and began to let out snowflakes, blanketing the crop from the cold air. Seeing each grain lying underneath the sheet of snow sent bliss to his heart.

We have to let it go. He understands it now.

“Be warm, everyone. See you in spring. I hope,” he whispered to Earth as he slowly vanished into thin air. The snow finally stopped. And every living on Earth slept silently that December with their wishful hearts of meeting each other again soon. 



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I have been listening to songs and watching telemovies lately. Not much interest for reading nor writing. So, yes. This one will be brief.



So yes, as promised, brief.

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Sunday, 27 January 2013 @ 13:42 



(In the middle of a phone conversation)

“I hate myself sometimes.”
“I don’t think one is capable at feeling so.”
“What? How come? I do hate myself. So?”
“Sometimes. One is incapable of hating something sometimes.”
“Uh…Do elaborate.”
“To me, hatred can occur in split seconds, but take ‘centuries’ to be removed. During the process of removal, hatred will be temporarily permanent. So, your indication of hating yourself sometimes seems unlikely.”
“Well, don’t take it too far. It was just a figure of speech.”
“So, how long do you actually hate yourself then?”
“To be honest, I don’t.”
“That’s a lie.”
“What the..? I actually don’t hate myself in that weird temporarily permanent sense.”
“So, you love yourself, is that it?”
“Uh…I don't really want to put it that way.
"So, you love yourself, right?"
"Err...How do you suggest I answer that without sounding narcissistic?”
“By saying that, you love yourself sometimes.”
“That sounds pretty odd.”
“At least you would sound logical.”
“What?! OK. Whatever. I seriously don’t see the matter of how long one hates or loves or whatever.”
“It actually really matters.”
“Oh, yeah? How so?”
“Intrinsically.”
“…”
“I sometimes measure the length of it.”
“That’s absurd.”
“If you use the right tools, the right methods, sure you can.”
“Are you high?”
“No. Why?”
“Damn it. Don’t ask me back. I was being sarcastic. What’s the matter with you?”
“Conversations should have questions. If not, how can it last?”
“I beg to differ. Won’t it turn into an interview?”
“With you, I mean. Conversations with you will work if there are a lot of questions.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Our past conversations that contained approximately 90 questions last in an average of one hour and twenty minutes.”
“No kidding! And I suppose, you have been measuring this conversation too? Heh.”
“Until now, it has been precisely three minutes and 16 seconds.”
“What the…”
“Yes. Precisely three minutes and 16 seconds.”
“…”
“And now, three minutes and 18 seconds.”
“…”
“Now, I’m counting your silence.”
“…”
“Why did you say you hate yourself, again?”
“…”
 “OK. Now the length of your silence has increased by 1.5 seconds.”
“…”
“Sigh…hello?”
“…”
“Hell-o..?”
“…”
“Your silence now has just increased to 2.5 seconds.”
“You are weird.”
“Your silence is overall, one minute and three seconds.”
“What…?”
“Phew. I thought you’re going to remain quiet.”
“I was about to until I imagine your puppy face turns soppy.”
“Do you still hate yourself?
“Yes, now that I’m talking to you.”
“You can be very mean sometimes.”
“False. I am mean, every time, naturally.”
“Oh, yeah? Give me some numbers.”
“Err…O…kay, I just did. I was being silent for one minute and three seconds.”
“Your calculation is wrong.”
“What? That was your calculation, wasn't it?”
“You were mean, sorry, have been mean for three years, two months, a day, a minute and three seconds.”
“Err… I’m sorry?”
“Apology not accepted.”
“I mean, what did you just said? About the three years thing…?”
“Oh.”
“Uhuh?”
“…”
“Hello?”
“…”
“You are so weird.”
 “How do you feel about one being silent at you?”
“Oh! There you are. To be honest? It makes me want to slam the phone down, makes me hate myself. Well, sometimes.”
“It makes me hate myself too, except, more than sometimes. And for some reason, I don’t want to slam the phone down.”
“…”
“It makes me hate myself more and more, for every second of silence.”
“Alright, alright, I get it. How do you suggest I make it up to you?”
“No, don’t. It’s not your fault.”
“Fine. What do you want me to do then?”
“…”
“…”
"..."
"This may sound ambiguous. I just, I want you not to be silent..."
"That's not applicable. I can't promise you that."
"..."
"..."
 “And your silence is now…”

(Phone is hung up. A long monotonous tone is heard.)

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5...6...7...

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Monday, 24 December 2012 @ 03:05 


     Staring about the dragon-shaped cloud, long, spread through the light blue sky, I heard sighs from my tired father. The rest of us in the car were a bit quiet except for the loud Korean music from Asyraf's phone.

      In another 100 metres, turn slightly right, says the woman's voice from Nokia Drive, out of the blue.

      Hey ho! Hey ho! *foreign gibberish words*, barks the Korean singer.

       I felt a little old, sitting quietly in the car, slightly irritated by the noise from the speakers. I wished for some classical music to match with the stream of trees outside the car window. The Dragon cloud was really looking all grand; its head on our left, its lengthy body curvy all the way to the front and elongated to the right side of the car. As if shielding us all through our long tiring journey home. It made me forgot about my fatigue days I've left behind. It made me temporarily deaf about the disturbing da-da-da-dum-cak-kala-dum-das-tas from the earlier speakers.

       "Can you please turn down the volume?" Even asking this to my brother who's humming the unknown song made me felt old. Not sure why I asked him that when it didn't bother me so much then.

       "Why should I?" He rebelled.

       "I think you should quiet down. The song is..." Mama said suddenly and went back to sleep. Apparently she was too tired to finish her words. The music then played a humdrum tone.

       Then, Nisah invited us to play the Only-Three-Words game. Despite the low battery life of our Samsung Tab, she touched the screen picking out Memo. She typed, Special Day, as the title and we began playing. Each of us got to type only three words and turned out none of our sentence made sense. It was easy to detect which sentence was whose. Asyraf's were full of weird animal characters. Nisah's were full of feelings and mispelled Mat Rempit-ish words. Mine were of more advanced vocabularies and those made the two laughed to teary eyes.

        The day was about to embrace night time. Dusk it was when we were asked to stop our giggles.

       "What did I said about laughing too much? It darkens the heart. Say Astaghfirullahala'ziim, now," mama ordered Nisah. I sensed jealousy from her for not being able to have fun like us three. But then I realised Nisah did laugh the loudest. Instantly, she recited the Arabic words. Repetitively, she recited it again to prevent her from being drifted away too much.

      We continued playing until our story developed a very disturbing plot filled with neurotic characters; involving ants, elephants with four trunks, monkeys with four wings, a goat, a danseur grandfather and a mysterious narrator called "I". That "I" also turned out to be having a dilemma of either winning his incestuous desires or his unrequited love for ants. He was also obsessed by a goat who ate cabbages but wanted to eat rice instead. Overall, it was strangely hilarious. Since mama hated when we laugh Macam Orang Tak Ingat Tuhan, our laughter sunk to a whisper.

      The game slowly turned boring. Apart from the dying Tab, mama's phone, my phone, our tummy asked to be filled and our minds couldn't think of anything creative to be written. Ayah stopped by at a mosque for us to perform jama' ta'dim before finding us a restaurant for dinner.

       While waiting for our six-year-old sister, Alesha to finish her maghrib, we reread the story and giggled. Despite the long journey, absurd short story written with the collaboration of a 21-year-old, a 14-year-old and a 12-year-old, I felt light. It's good to be reunited.




   


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