. . . . .
Monday, 22 July 2013 @ 20:13
Who says I'm not doing anything worthwhile this semester holiday? I work. Like, for the first time, I finally work. Oh yeah, I'm 22 but just got a part time job? yeah yeah, I'm a noob for this but enough with the self-bashing, alright? I may not be overly excited on anything in particular at the mo but at least I'm giving myself something worthwhile to do. Also, I have developed a semi-deep interest in comic books. Havta be honest that I'm not entirely into it. The only comics that I can follow at the mo is Batman. And the villains as I recalled, are ringing up the bells of my childhood. That I once overwhelmed with the animated series but yeah, I was pretty ignorant back then. Nothing is consumed from the series but I guess the old self is beginning to appreciate something from the former life (childhood I mean). Ah~ These are rants. Just to let the self know that I'm breathing and have something to be liked, something worthwhile to be done. I miss running etc. Missing my active days. Not an athlete but still eager to act like one. It's for the sake of tomorrow. Physical wise. Better to have a good heart, to stay in shape. Being active expands the social circle too. Knowing lotsa people is building good network, hence, beneficial in many ways. And Breaking Bad is my guilty pleasure. It's literature to me. The dynamic evolution of Jesse Pinkman and Walter White's character are a self-ponder in a way. Plus it made me finally admit that Chemistry is not a blah subject after all. And I'm still not over myself drawing Amydala and Stormtroopers using coloured pencils. But not the fact that I typoed Storm into Star. Not proud of that. Ugh. Embarrassing. Alas! Turning geek ain't so easy.
Here's a photo of burning rocks from great distance. (Y)
Wednesday, 22 May 2013 @ 00:00
I AM TRULY DEEPLY INTENSELY OBSESSED!!
I have grown fond to Sci-Fi, Superhero Action Pack movies or what I used to call "Boy Movies". I thought I'd never like Sci-Fi. My brother used to be so engaged with Star Wars and there I was, beside him, thinking, Meh, another fiction about politics. But now I know how it feels to like Sci-Fi. :DDDD
In the case of superhero movies, they have been instilled in me since I was little but never actually grow much till, well, now. I'm imagining myself being Loki, stuck in my ugly childhood, wishing I could change the future and went off track and killed everybody instead. lol. Look at me, wishing I'm a villain Herp herp
And Benedict in Star Trek, OMG. He was all, my crew, my family, and I was all STAAAHHHPPP IM GONNA CRYYYY (talk about massive
And in that scene when Vader's mask was taken off, I was like, *teary eyed*. This. father-son love. I. Just. Can't. The Force is growing stronger in me, it seems. lolol. <- watch out. Noob coming thru.
Hmm I'm still stuck on having either Star Trek main theme or Ironman 3 End Credits as my ringtone. Ah well~
*using the Force*
OK. Ironman 3 it is.
XD
Labels: expression, love, peace, rant
Friday, 15 February 2013 @ 17:38
Reminiscence of past conversation:
"Hi. You doin OK ke?"
"Well, I'd say, separuh OK. sighh..."
"Oh? Well, what can I do to fulfill the other half? wink wink"
Flirty friends.
-They are both a friend and a person who flirts a lot. To me, they are generally harmless. However, these people should not be permitted to just flirt where ever, whenever they want. Fitnah, yes, tend to happen if flirting is done unwisely. So, flirty friends are quite harmful too sometimes. Especially if the activity affects the well-being of the friendship; normally if it causes misunderstandings among non-involved people. To me, the safest way to flirt on the friendly basis is to be done privately, just among the two. It's really unnecessary to flirt in front of everybody since such flirting is understood to be an act of "fooling around" or, I'm-bored-so-lets-flirt. In other words, its purpose is to delight the emotions or, to brush up pick-up lines skills, maybe. Personally, I think it's OK to do this with friends. And I mean, with only single friends that is. Hurmm... but well, somehow, I think when flirting is inevitable, it is also at the same time, pointless. So, why are we doing this, again? idk.
Labels: expression, friends, nonfiction, rant
A slight tingle runs through the lungs, passing air, gushing blood, tightens muscles, a light wave of stream plays. The heart speaks again. It says, "It's time". Soft wind blows, caressing empty thoughts, bringing gravity into picture, lacing beads of yesterday into the necklace of present day, heaviness that one's been carrying. Fingers shakes, toes awake, eyebrows flinch, "It's time," gestures the eardrums. Shoulders shudder, sending signals of fear, excite feet to step further, halt. To be lost in time when it is said that "It's time", to be honest, when? "It's time," frowns forehead. Time for what? "It. Is. Time," knees jerk losing balance. Feathers up ahead, from a little nest, from a little newborn bird, down it falls, above the ground it goes. This is called, Time. Musk fragrance of leaves from old books, thrusts into nostrils, awakes memories, delivers worry about the future. Throat burns, lips dry, cold tongue, a scratch onto the crisp of mustache. A glance, a stare, an ignorance, this is indeed time. Intangible, moving forward, leaves no trail, provides no Going Back.
And as I grow emotionless, time prevails.
Labels: earth, expression, life, nonfiction, rant
Friday, 11 January 2013 @ 23:24
Just finished a marathon of exam papers, five damn papers, five damn days, straight, non-stop. My brain just puked and puked and puked.
. . .
An acquaintance passed away today. I thought I had concluded the Death Rows news. But no. This particular person, a friend of a friend still managed to squeeze himself into the list. Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiu'n. He was an ex-lover of someone I'm close to. I'm sorry, I've tried to look for you, but I didn't see you. I don't know why but, I just didn't. Not exactly his words though but something like that. Vague future, unable to see what's at the end of that very tunnel, I've foreseen that. Made me wondered whether that's a death sign. And when he didn't 'see' her in his future, was he talking about this? As if predicting his death? Maybe I was overreacting. And today, he left all of us forever. We aren't that close but still, the heart just never quit to tear itself apart.
. . .
Into watercolour pencil sketches now. Filling this (see photo below) with various characters whom my brain invented as it took a break from gobbling up chapters from many many textbooks.
A gift from a thoughtful friend, Shifa Zambry.
. . .
Thought of being away from Monsieur Internet for a while. When I look back, it had been two weeks. No internet and I'm approaching the Heavens. Bullshit's too much. Wasteful activity, this surfing the net. And within those two weeks, I'd breathed easier.
. . .
"About when do you start?" He tried to sound nonchalant."At sunrise.""How far do you go?""The whole way.""And can I have a return ticket which will bring me all the way back?"
Stumbled across this whilst Linguistics For Literature Students' revision. This one. A representation of death, maybe? Anyhoo, putting this one on my Future Reads. And the name of the subject somewhat made it sound uncool. Favorite subject forever, to me. And still hoping they have better sophisticated name for it.-The Celestial Omnibus; E.M.Forster
. . .
Finished The Fault in Our Stars in one day despite the finals. One day. For an amateur, as I am, that's a record also proved that the book was good (amazing, actually, but my Energy Bar is decreasing. Hence, the lack of ecstasy.).
. . .
Labels: death, fatigue, gerascophobia, human, rant
Right now I feel like postponing my graduation. Yes. I can graduate next semester but do I really want to? I don't think I really live my university years. Haven't yet sort out any universities I'm aiming for pursuing my masters at, haven't sent out resumes, heck, haven't even prepared one. Not even have much to be put in it anyway. But my course mates ensured me that graduating early is the best choice. Taekwondo mates, in return, haunt me with inquiries: Why? Why early? What are you gonna do? Why the rush? Peer pressure, indeed making me dwell in this cul-de-sac. Next semester, short semester, the other next semester? Pick one or forever hold your peace. Somehow, a little part of me begs for a therapist. But that thug ain't gonna live with the choice made. I will. Istikharah prayer. Ok. Noted. But what else? Yes, I've listed the pros and cons of graduating early and later. None gave me a precise answer. Ya see, this has developed into quite a monster. Making me angry throughout the semester, feeding me frustrations and whatnot just for a single deadly choice. Well, not that deadly. To be honest, I really don't know what will happen ahead; after graduation. Answering What Do You Love Doing questions is easy but making the right choices isn't. The end of the tunnel is filled with vagueness. Like I'm disallowed at making a choice despite liking so many things. My soul needs to calm down. These pestering voices overwhelm, yes, so I need to calm down. Deep down, I don't want to graduate early. Graduate early, are you kidding me? My train just got off the track and at the moment, I'm still lifting the heavy wheels back to where they belong. The engine hasn't warmed up yet but I choose to get off of it and leave it there? No way. So be it I'm late at holding that scroll in my hands. At least I have more time to fill in the empty blanks of my will-yet-be-written resume. Oh great. I've made my choice. By ranting it out here, lol. And if I choose to finish in solid 4 years, I can add Creative Writing subject I've always wanted. Hooo Yeahhh!
Labels: disorder, gerascophobia, life, nonfiction, rant, time
Monday, 24 December 2012 @ 03:05
Staring about the dragon-shaped cloud, long, spread through the light blue sky, I heard sighs from my tired father. The rest of us in the car were a bit quiet except for the loud Korean music from Asyraf's phone.
In another 100 metres, turn slightly right, says the woman's voice from Nokia Drive, out of the blue.
Hey ho! Hey ho! *foreign gibberish words*, barks the Korean singer.
I felt a little old, sitting quietly in the car, slightly irritated by the noise from the speakers. I wished for some classical music to match with the stream of trees outside the car window. The Dragon cloud was really looking all grand; its head on our left, its lengthy body curvy all the way to the front and elongated to the right side of the car. As if shielding us all through our long tiring journey home. It made me forgot about my fatigue days I've left behind. It made me temporarily deaf about the disturbing da-da-da-dum-cak-kala-dum-das-tas from the earlier speakers.
"Can you please turn down the volume?" Even asking this to my brother who's humming the unknown song made me felt old. Not sure why I asked him that when it didn't bother me so much then.
"Why should I?" He rebelled.
"I think you should quiet down. The song is..." Mama said suddenly and went back to sleep. Apparently she was too tired to finish her words. The music then played a humdrum tone.
Then, Nisah invited us to play the Only-Three-Words game. Despite the low battery life of our Samsung Tab, she touched the screen picking out Memo. She typed, Special Day, as the title and we began playing. Each of us got to type only three words and turned out none of our sentence made sense. It was easy to detect which sentence was whose. Asyraf's were full of weird animal characters. Nisah's were full of feelings and mispelled Mat Rempit-ish words. Mine were of more advanced vocabularies and those made the two laughed to teary eyes.
The day was about to embrace night time. Dusk it was when we were asked to stop our giggles.
"What did I said about laughing too much? It darkens the heart. Say Astaghfirullahala'ziim, now," mama ordered Nisah. I sensed jealousy from her for not being able to have fun like us three. But then I realised Nisah did laugh the loudest. Instantly, she recited the Arabic words. Repetitively, she recited it again to prevent her from being drifted away too much.
We continued playing until our story developed a very disturbing plot filled with neurotic characters; involving ants, elephants with four trunks, monkeys with four wings, a goat, a danseur grandfather and a mysterious narrator called "I". That "I" also turned out to be having a dilemma of either winning his incestuous desires or his unrequited love for ants. He was also obsessed by a goat who ate cabbages but wanted to eat rice instead. Overall, it was strangely hilarious. Since mama hated when we laugh Macam Orang Tak Ingat Tuhan, our laughter sunk to a whisper.
The game slowly turned boring. Apart from the dying Tab, mama's phone, my phone, our tummy asked to be filled and our minds couldn't think of anything creative to be written. Ayah stopped by at a mosque for us to perform jama' ta'dim before finding us a restaurant for dinner.
While waiting for our six-year-old sister, Alesha to finish her maghrib, we reread the story and giggled. Despite the long journey, absurd short story written with the collaboration of a 21-year-old, a 14-year-old and a 12-year-old, I felt light. It's good to be reunited.
Saturday, 15 December 2012 @ 22:01
Dear, Allah S.W.T.
I may not remember all du’a
from the earliest Prophets,
may not remember how they sound like,
may not know how to recite them,
and what do they mean.
So, I’m here to make my own.
And that You listen to every word
from every language in the world.
My du’a is,
I believe still as honest
as the ones
from the most pious men.
Dear, Allah S.W.T.
Here is my du’a. The most humble du’a I can make.
But before that I need to tell you
something that I know You’ve known already
even before my birth to this world.
I have fallen for many men.
My heart has been shaken by them.
Sometimes they vanish in a flash.
But there are some who stay.
Vanish or stay,
this has ruined not just the walls of my heart
but also weakened my faith at large.
Dear Allah S.W.T.
I keep myself reminded:
Men are human,
with hearts that toss and turn
with faith that drowns and burns.
They soon will rot or be eaten
by insects of the deepest earth.
They die.
But whatever should I do?
I feel my heart goes vacant,
every time they are gone.
As if there is no You, too.
Blame me for being a fool.
Dear Allah S.W.T.
Please, please I beg You
not to take my precious faith away.
I just need a company, the one that stays
till the last of my breath.
I don’t want many
just one man
but not a man
if that man leaves me astray,
if that man pushes You away.
Dear Allah S.W.T.
I hope You’re still listening.
I hope You’re not yet bored
as I said my du’a is still
as important as the words
of the most pious men in the world.
Dear Allah S.W.T.
To tell you the truth,
I have fallen for someone, I do,
but I’m not ready to compete him with You,
as You should be put first
though he satisfies my thirst,
for human love,
for worldly life.
Dear Allah S.W.T.
If this man is the one who is true,
the man who will remind me of You,
who without further ado,
fearfully will seek for You,
if both him and I forget,
if both him and I neglect,
if both him and I restrain,
if both him and I disdain,
in a way that displeases You,
make my love to him stay
make me feel it is okay
to make bond with him a delay
till You say it’s time
to tie the tightest knot
if by then I own no dime
or develop a second thought
Confirm my heart that he is indeed
a gift to me from you.
But, dear, Allah S.W.T.,
If he’s a mere test
please, put my heart to rest
I don’t need another pest,
don’t need my heart to go west.
Labels: Allah, bad poetry, free verse, love, rant
Friday, 30 November 2012 @ 20:24
Labels: misanthropy, negative, nonfiction, rant
Monday, 26 November 2012 @ 18:38
Labels: class, life, nonfiction, rain, rant