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Friday, 11 January 2013 @ 23:24
Just finished a marathon of exam papers, five damn papers, five damn days, straight, non-stop. My brain just puked and puked and puked.
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An acquaintance passed away today. I thought I had concluded the Death Rows news. But no. This particular person, a friend of a friend still managed to squeeze himself into the list. Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiu'n. He was an ex-lover of someone I'm close to. I'm sorry, I've tried to look for you, but I didn't see you. I don't know why but, I just didn't. Not exactly his words though but something like that. Vague future, unable to see what's at the end of that very tunnel, I've foreseen that. Made me wondered whether that's a death sign. And when he didn't 'see' her in his future, was he talking about this? As if predicting his death? Maybe I was overreacting. And today, he left all of us forever. We aren't that close but still, the heart just never quit to tear itself apart.
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Into watercolour pencil sketches now. Filling this (see photo below) with various characters whom my brain invented as it took a break from gobbling up chapters from many many textbooks.
A gift from a thoughtful friend, Shifa Zambry.
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Thought of being away from Monsieur Internet for a while. When I look back, it had been two weeks. No internet and I'm approaching the Heavens. Bullshit's too much. Wasteful activity, this surfing the net. And within those two weeks, I'd breathed easier.
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"About when do you start?" He tried to sound nonchalant."At sunrise.""How far do you go?""The whole way.""And can I have a return ticket which will bring me all the way back?"
Stumbled across this whilst Linguistics For Literature Students' revision. This one. A representation of death, maybe? Anyhoo, putting this one on my Future Reads. And the name of the subject somewhat made it sound uncool. Favorite subject forever, to me. And still hoping they have better sophisticated name for it.-The Celestial Omnibus; E.M.Forster
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Finished The Fault in Our Stars in one day despite the finals. One day. For an amateur, as I am, that's a record also proved that the book was good (amazing, actually, but my Energy Bar is decreasing. Hence, the lack of ecstasy.).
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Labels: death, fatigue, gerascophobia, human, rant
Right now I feel like postponing my graduation. Yes. I can graduate next semester but do I really want to? I don't think I really live my university years. Haven't yet sort out any universities I'm aiming for pursuing my masters at, haven't sent out resumes, heck, haven't even prepared one. Not even have much to be put in it anyway. But my course mates ensured me that graduating early is the best choice. Taekwondo mates, in return, haunt me with inquiries: Why? Why early? What are you gonna do? Why the rush? Peer pressure, indeed making me dwell in this cul-de-sac. Next semester, short semester, the other next semester? Pick one or forever hold your peace. Somehow, a little part of me begs for a therapist. But that thug ain't gonna live with the choice made. I will. Istikharah prayer. Ok. Noted. But what else? Yes, I've listed the pros and cons of graduating early and later. None gave me a precise answer. Ya see, this has developed into quite a monster. Making me angry throughout the semester, feeding me frustrations and whatnot just for a single deadly choice. Well, not that deadly. To be honest, I really don't know what will happen ahead; after graduation. Answering What Do You Love Doing questions is easy but making the right choices isn't. The end of the tunnel is filled with vagueness. Like I'm disallowed at making a choice despite liking so many things. My soul needs to calm down. These pestering voices overwhelm, yes, so I need to calm down. Deep down, I don't want to graduate early. Graduate early, are you kidding me? My train just got off the track and at the moment, I'm still lifting the heavy wheels back to where they belong. The engine hasn't warmed up yet but I choose to get off of it and leave it there? No way. So be it I'm late at holding that scroll in my hands. At least I have more time to fill in the empty blanks of my will-yet-be-written resume. Oh great. I've made my choice. By ranting it out here, lol. And if I choose to finish in solid 4 years, I can add Creative Writing subject I've always wanted. Hooo Yeahhh!
Labels: disorder, gerascophobia, life, nonfiction, rant, time