. . . . .
Monday, 9 February 2015 @ 21:32
I stopped typing the forever hateful Management Paper. Suddenly, the whole world felt in place; the weather was right, people are annoying as Hell for sure, but it was this wonderful serenity just swiped through and said, "He exists."
And he exists in a way he thought to be boring and monotonous but none that he knew how desperately I need him day after another. How funnily clueless he could be most of the times and it tears me because I might accidentally left a wrong note to myself on how perfect he is.
In which he is.
Work that day was as usual plain and sometimes hellish. I looked at my phone screen wishing to see his texts but nope, that day he was a bit caught up at work. And my heart raced with the thought of how much I miss this man it's almost time for me to grab onto the Drama Queen title. It was only two weeks since the last I saw him and it's killing on the inside, to my surprise. Because none have done this to me before.
Sometimes I like to remind myself on not to be the slave of love. To just love a little so that the hurt won't hurt as much.
I was wrong. Love was wronged. I looked at it the wrong way.
So be it the degree of feelings, hurt shall happen and why am I so obsessed about not getting hurt? Finding the right shoes might not let you slip and fall but they could still cut you if you wear them too often. Especially those fancy ones with heels. Damn those heels. Making me wear band-aids because they're new and my feet are still adjusting to the length and width.
See. What I need is not to love less because that might not be achieved. What I truly need is patience. Be patient and pray that he will be stationed here, because when I thought I'm stronger than this, I'm not. I need him to be near. :'(
Friday, 15 November 2013 @ 01:12
Reading through your old writings, sees a post that says you're gonna laugh rereading this one day and when that day finally comes, you do laugh but you're also crying inside.
Labels: clouds
Monday, 22 July 2013 @ 20:13
Who says I'm not doing anything worthwhile this semester holiday? I work. Like, for the first time, I finally work. Oh yeah, I'm 22 but just got a part time job? yeah yeah, I'm a noob for this but enough with the self-bashing, alright? I may not be overly excited on anything in particular at the mo but at least I'm giving myself something worthwhile to do. Also, I have developed a semi-deep interest in comic books. Havta be honest that I'm not entirely into it. The only comics that I can follow at the mo is Batman. And the villains as I recalled, are ringing up the bells of my childhood. That I once overwhelmed with the animated series but yeah, I was pretty ignorant back then. Nothing is consumed from the series but I guess the old self is beginning to appreciate something from the former life (childhood I mean). Ah~ These are rants. Just to let the self know that I'm breathing and have something to be liked, something worthwhile to be done. I miss running etc. Missing my active days. Not an athlete but still eager to act like one. It's for the sake of tomorrow. Physical wise. Better to have a good heart, to stay in shape. Being active expands the social circle too. Knowing lotsa people is building good network, hence, beneficial in many ways. And Breaking Bad is my guilty pleasure. It's literature to me. The dynamic evolution of Jesse Pinkman and Walter White's character are a self-ponder in a way. Plus it made me finally admit that Chemistry is not a blah subject after all. And I'm still not over myself drawing Amydala and Stormtroopers using coloured pencils. But not the fact that I typoed Storm into Star. Not proud of that. Ugh. Embarrassing. Alas! Turning geek ain't so easy.
Here's a photo of burning rocks from great distance. (Y)
Monday, 8 July 2013 @ 15:31
There's something about standing
between a perfume and a coffee shop,
the blend of bittersweet smell;
the living tale of love and hate,
tells well when you're standing
between a perfume and a coffee shop.
Labels: bad poetry, numb
@ 15:22
Everything takes patience now. Got my first wage. Still. I ain't buyin anything yet. Coz I havta use it for food. Feels like bringin food from home instead. But always tempted to buy takeouts. But yeah.. hopin that this time I won't have problems with salaries and holidays anymore. Hope that I will get my next pay on time and stuff. Hope that things go well. If so I'd buy it now... I won't have anything much left. So, yeah. Patience. Be patient is not easy. But I need to suck all the patience in and refrain from buyin the things I want.
Food is essential too.
Labels: clouds
Sunday, 16 June 2013 @ 01:19
There's this one night where the air was stuffed and I wasn't fully asleep yet. Shifting to my left side, I had my tee accidentally pulled up revealing my back. After a few moments, I felt his hand slowly running onto my skin. He was giving me a soft stroke. Like he was curious about how soft my skin feels as it felt on his eyes. He was gentle. Up and down his fingers went about my back and I slowly falling into a deep sleep. I ought to slap his hand but I let him trace my back. It sent shivers for a bit. But I kept calm and let him do what he wanted. And I was the type to remember bad things on most nights but tonight his fingers hushed those thoughts away. Slowly I fell into deeper slumber till I wasn't really sure if he was stroking me for real or if this is a dream. But surely, that thing people said about magic exists at the tips of ones' fingers?
I believe in that now.
Labels: fiction
Monday, 3 June 2013 @ 21:55
I have never been so alive.
Now. I want to end it.
Thursday, 30 May 2013 @ 01:27
When we were born, we were an incomplete puzzle. Love and whatnot filled us up with a few pieces but throughout the years of growing up, a rascal, maybe two or three, took some of those pieces out of us. And we would continuously try to fill each vacant spaces with new ones but people would continuously rule them out. But we never give up to fill those empty spaces until at one point in our lives, we found someone that we thought would finally make our puzzles complete, but being more powerful than those rascals, this particular one ravaged the puzzle, scratching each and everything, tearing us into bits, threw us, smashed us with no slight mercy and left us lied by our own thoughts and feelings. And just like before, we would fix the puzzle again and again and again but, we stayed like that forever, forever an incomplete puzzle...
till the moment of our passing
till the last of our breath.
Friday, 24 May 2013 @ 22:06
I have been looking out for you for more than a century
-Watson
Labels: expression, human, love
Wednesday, 22 May 2013 @ 00:00
I AM TRULY DEEPLY INTENSELY OBSESSED!!
I have grown fond to Sci-Fi, Superhero Action Pack movies or what I used to call "Boy Movies". I thought I'd never like Sci-Fi. My brother used to be so engaged with Star Wars and there I was, beside him, thinking, Meh, another fiction about politics. But now I know how it feels to like Sci-Fi. :DDDD
In the case of superhero movies, they have been instilled in me since I was little but never actually grow much till, well, now. I'm imagining myself being Loki, stuck in my ugly childhood, wishing I could change the future and went off track and killed everybody instead. lol. Look at me, wishing I'm a villain Herp herp
And Benedict in Star Trek, OMG. He was all, my crew, my family, and I was all STAAAHHHPPP IM GONNA CRYYYY (talk about massive
And in that scene when Vader's mask was taken off, I was like, *teary eyed*. This. father-son love. I. Just. Can't. The Force is growing stronger in me, it seems. lolol. <- watch out. Noob coming thru.
Hmm I'm still stuck on having either Star Trek main theme or Ironman 3 End Credits as my ringtone. Ah well~
*using the Force*
OK. Ironman 3 it is.
XD
Labels: expression, love, peace, rant
Sunday, 19 May 2013 @ 19:44
Malakoff University Dualthon Series 2013
University Malaya
Can't believe this happened yesterday. I'm still in immense awe.
@ 01:13
****
“Why are you into temporariness?”
He didn’t get my question so, I rephrased it,
“Why do you glorify things that
are not permanent such as beauty, per se?” I thought I would offend him a
little with a bit of sarcasm in my query but he remained calm. He then asked
me,
“Tell me, what is ‘permanent’,
anyway? Why do people so obsess about making permanent things or matters, a
priority? Why do people keep on wanting to make things a “Forever” when the
truth is, nothing is forever in this world? If there’s anything permanent, that
will be, ‘bullshit’. Bullshit is forever.”
Then I saw it. When other people
learnt that he is narcissistic, I learnt that he is actually broken. I wondered what made him the person he is
today. I wondered how he got so bitter. Silence grew between us. He stared out
to the streets and I fixed my eyes to the table. For a moment I wished I could
hug him tightly but I offered him my hot beverage instead. He declined it by
saying,
“I don’t drink from the cup of an insensitive bastard.” He referred me as ‘insensitive bastard’. Maybe he was right.
After all, I was pretty judgmental like the others towards him. I guess my
query did offend him a little.
The coffee was still warm. The rain had
stopped. I found that the day was getting late so I excused myself, leaving him
and the coffee behind.
While walking back home, I had
the image of his sad eyes in my head. Suddenly, I noticed that I’ve left my sweater
at the café so, I ran back to get it. My pace stopped as I saw from the glass
windows of the café that he was still there, sitting at the table we sat
before. He had his fingers wrapped around my leftover coffee and his head
rested on his right elbow. For a few seconds, he looked like an abandoned
child. Then, I noticed that my sweater was underneath his right arm.
The night grew darker and colder.
I stared long at him from the glass windows and for the first time I saw
someone who is perfectly safe, in his own world, but safe, at least.
****
Monday, 29 April 2013 @ 22:58
Once upon a time, a prince fell in love with a peasant woman.
and went blur about how he should react, what should he do.
He spent all his youth thinking and thinking
Until he was too old to do anything
Bedridden, he was, one day.
And finally died a lonely prince.
This happened on a Once Upon a Time,
where a prince fell for a peasant woman
and nothing happened.
Labels: accidents, expression, fiction, free verse, time
@ 22:44
“I don’t believe in love at first sight but I do believe in seeing someone from across the room and knowing instantly that they’re going to matter to you. They’re going to play a major role in your life.”—Ryan O’Connell
Finally.
I found someone who can define how I feel towards him.
Oh. And that doesn't mean I'm gonna end up with him. I'm still prone towards dying before I tie any knots with him. So, yeah.
Life, what a big bummer you are, eh? wtv.
Saturday, 23 March 2013 @ 22:40
A little girl in a yellow cape was selling matches in the boulevards of Sorrowfull. She ran into a flyer that said: Help Me Find Love? The flyer has a big question mark with no pictures. The little girl picked the flyer and stared long at it. Then she took out a match and lit it. She burnt the paper and felt warm for a few moments. A homeless man and his son came to her carrying more flyers. She took out more matches, burnt the papers and soon, more people came to her with flyers in their hands. The papers are too many that the people and the little girl created a huge bonfire where everybody sit around it in a big circle.
Warmth lingered in the boulevards of Sorrowfull that night. And Love was then found.
I know I'm not supposed to talk about you all the time, to every.body. because that means I'm flaunting. And flaunting annoys people. And annoyed people will later ask, "so, what's your progress with him?" though they can already see that there's none. And by that time, you will silently say, "nothing." and they will hear you said that word and so do you.
But then again, though it might be "nothing", I still can't stop talking about you. I don't know why.
This is almost like the feeling when I went to see my first orchestra. It feels like I'm the luckiest person on earth to have seen it. It feels like I have found definitions of my life. Though the orchestra ended at 10 p.m, it happened.
You happened.
Labels: earth, expression, fiction, numb
@ 01:09
How fascinating that now my nights are filled with friendlier monsters and my days filled with fairies. Nowadays, I'm filled with these.
Nowadays.
:)
Labels: expression, human, love, security